so, it said,
(bold bits are actually what it said. plain bits are commmentary.)
1) Chop mushrooms of various kinds (dried, button and chestnut) and soak in hot water for fifteen minutes. Read to understand "Chop whatever mushrooms you have and dump in a bowl of hot water." (I briefly considered putting the mushrooms in the kettle and turning it on, but decided this does not fall under experimentation, but rather ways to demolish your kitchen)
2) Chop one onion and two cloves of garlic finely. Interpreted as chop half an onion, because one is too much work. No garlic in the house, so dumped garlic powder instead.
3) Heat olive oil in a large saucepan, and add onions and garlic. Again, no olive oil in the house, so in goes sunflower oil instead. Our one large saucepan was used yesterday to make aloo curry by k chitti, so i am now using a smallish saucepan instead. Fry gently for ten minutes. Too busy sorting out my ipod and laptop configuration, so i just put it on lowest flame and jiggled my ipod wire until the laptop recognised it. Simon and Garfunkel now starts on impossibly soft laptop speakers.
4) Add rice, and cook for five minutes. This goes smoothly, and then my itunes suddenly decides my ipod does not exist. Loud swearing occurs, and delhi 6 cd is now used as replacement music.
5) Strain and add mushrooms, but do not throw away the water. Add vegetable stock. Much hunting occurs, first for strainer, then for mystical vegetable stock. Strainer is finally found in random cupboard. Several cubes of unopened vegetable stock are found in dark corner of fridge. Itunes dies. More loud swearing, this time in several languages. Finally decide to open windows media player and play the cd through that.
6) Add half the mushroom liquor, and stir until absorption.Then add the other half, and wait for that to be absorbed. Not too difficult, one might think. One would be right. But once the water got over, i was left with lots of hard rice that hadnt been cooked. So i used all my cunning, and put my extra boiling water from my kettle into the pan. Stir.
7) This is the point where i took initiative. because what the instructions don't tell you is that it takes bloody forever for the rice to cook. empires have risen and fallen in less time. so the flame is now on high, and water is being added as fast as it possibly can. I eventually give up, turn my music off, and go report to higher authorities (k chitti). I am told to make it cook more.
8) I begin to realise that the rice began to burn and stick to the sides of the pan about ten minutes ago, 'round about step 6. Not as easy as i thought, then.
9) Vigorous mixing occurs. Suddenly realise, that official instructions have not actually ended yet. Add grated Parmesan cheese and butter. Stir until these are absorbed. Gosh, a lot of absorption seems to be happening. Typically, i find that there is no parmesan cheese at home, grated or otherwise. I settle for random red cheese slices, torn and thrown in to the mix. also half a tsp of butter.
10) salt is added, though the instructions don't actually say it. everything needs salt, period.
finally mixed it again, and discovered that the burnt bits mixed with the non burnt bits to make everything look brownish, which is the way mushroom risotto is supposed to look.
by this point i am so hungry i will eat anything, which is probably why i actually ate it. on the other hand, the other