Tuesday, 17 February 2009

dreams live, and dreams die. maybe not in the classical sense of the word. they don't breathe, they don't eat, they don't sleep. but they grow. the more you think about them, the bigger they get. dreams affect who we are. people have dreams, and those dreams have the potential to change lives, changes nations, change the world. but on a much smaller scale, dreams can be extremely personal. and, if you choose, they change who you are.

i had a dream. i watched it pop into my head, fully formed. i watch it now, apparently being beaten into submission by logic, by reason, that i cannot deny. it is dying, and i suppose, this is something that happens to everybody. in the words of the philosopher Jagger, 'you can't always get what you want. but if you try sometimes, you get what you need'. this is a eulogy, maybe, for a dream that inspired me, and got me to work hard without people constantly telling me to, and, in the end, didn't come true.

maybe this would be a good time to quote the godfather. every man has but one destiny. i like that one. makes me feel slightly better, somewhere inside.

I've always had this extremely strange and totally unjustifiable conviction, that second wasn't as good as, it was damn well better than first. i have no idea why i feel this. at all. at all, at all, at all. maybe it was just preparation for this moment. maybe this moment came about just to see what I'd do. who knows?

i suppose, really, that if i give in, i don't have proof. and im scientific enough to want proof. all the evidence is not in favour. all the evidence says : nope, you're not good enough. and no matter how many people tell me i am, i'll never know.

according to parallel universes theory, there is, somewhere out there, an alternate version of me who is disappointed because he got into cambridge and not into LSE, and LSE is where he really wanted to go.

if i accept what has just happened, i'll make my life much easier for myself. and sometimes, what is easy happens to be what is right, making it not very difficult to choose. what i have to find out, is whether this is one of those times or not.

at least i wrote it down.

and this might be why i do an MA in oxford.

Sunday, 8 February 2009

nannu vidachi kadalakuraaa (segues off into complicated ritigowla tune)
constantly listening to it now...